On the brink of a silver jubilee...

Have you ever tried compartmentalizing your thoughts in boxes? And then trying to recreate a thought room to store these boxes by clearing little space in the corners of your mind? I do that. My thought-box room consists of big boxes and tiny boxes...blue boxes and white boxes...crooked boxes and empty boxes...kicking boxes and silent boxes...and all those that make my thought boxes! Some are angrily kicking and raring to go, whereas others are neatly wrapped up in ribbons n bow, every box is a special thought with a tiny little story keenly sought! As I approach quarter of the century...and attempt a spring cleaning of my thought box room...I have mixed feelings!


So I open the box in the furthest corner of the room...one that has gathered dust over time...a time which stored my memories when I was a tiny little child. And out flow the thoughts with hops, skips and jumps - very colourful, vibrant and innocent! Every adult says that childhood is the best time of your life where there is so little worry and care, no responsibility, no heavy headed emotions to deal with. The day consisted of school, play, food and sleep! Now that I have left those days far behind, I cant help but feel nostalgic about the most carefree days till date. The days were characterised by love and tender care from mom, disciplining from dad, fights with a naughty brother, stories and studies with family and innumerable dinner table discussions with topics ranging from stock markets to school projects! At school - Being the shortest in class every year and hence always first in the assembly line for prayers, 3 wonderful old stone school buildings situated opposite the exotic Juhu Beach, April final exams, school samosa-chutney, reopening of school after a long summer vacation in June and jumping through puddles in the torrential monsoons! Growing up through 'baa baa black sheep...' and ' Uma Joshi ye ye ye...' and book cricket, kitty kitty coming, chip-chop, Name Place Animal Thing, jolly and watnot!!!!!! Going for long summer holidays to nana-nani's place in summers, reciting tables, listening to wonderful stories, elocution classes and the failed attempt made by mom to kindle a sportsperson in me by cultivating badminton, cycling, swimming, tennis, athletics, etc. and adopting almost nothing!


My eyes then fall on a 'black box'...the so called first hardship that life threw at me in Class X as I struggled hard to perform well and match up to hundreds of expectations, including my own! Unit Tests, prelims, test series and the like dominated this first uncertainity in life. And after having passed with 'flying colours' the big confusion about what to take up and become in life! A 15 year old being asked this question is intimadating. Because it is that phase when we need to fold up and keep aside the wishful thinking or far fetched dreams that changed faster than seasons in childhood. 'Oh I want to be an airhostess' 'Maybe a doctor?' ' I think I will do well as an astronaut!' Some of us pursued these high flying dreams but most of us encountered a stark reality, much different from fantasy!


My next target is the confused box. Most of us landed up in junior college and were suddenly bombarded with an unprotected environment, weirdoes, teenage blues, unconcerned faculty and laid back lifestyle. To think that I went religiously to college and classes from Mon-Sat like a nerd gives me an embarassing jitter! I was just too docile and nice then and a 'model student'...thankfully not a 'chamchi'! Those walks back home with two good friends...the stupid jokes we cracked...mindless of what the others think...the adrenalin rushes we got when crush no. 7 smiled in the canteen...such a bunch of dodos we were!!!!


Somehow the feelings attached with the box have continued into time...and the confusion has seeped in almost all thoughts! But anyway...it was still a happy confused phase where relations were few, duties even fewer and it was still not time to 'prove' yourself and calibre. It was a very 'Main Aisa Kyun Hoon' phase...where we were still groping to find reason for our existence and an angry energetic lot which rebelled against the hormones and changing environments in our own confused ways!


Just then, I realize that I am sitting on probably the largest box in the room - blue in colour and for a reason! It is the graduation box so neatly wrapped up with ribbons and balloons - all blue! Flash back to a time when 20 of us sat at a friend's (Kanu's) place and neatly cut and wrapped up items to go into huge blue bags for the rockstar event of our college festival Drishti called Business @ Campus! The entire room was filled with huge blue polythene bags and it was aptly termed as a 'blue room'. For me it was a room of work-in-progress where young minds came up with brilliant ideas for the festival and tonnes of projects. It was a place where we argued and brainstormed on what-ifs and fulfilled our ambitions by assuming a position on the top of the bed stead as CEO of a make believe marketing company - Kuttaya! (I do not remember why we came up with such a name...!). We had a unique bunch of teachers which added colour and joy to drab studies. It was fun bunking Kanodra Ma'am's Law lectures, laughing at stupid Sajid sir and whacky Venky Pony's double meaning jokes, listening to recitals and songs by Prof. Nilesh Zaveri, being called Xerox Institute of Management by Prof. Viju Navare and finding a very cool coordinator in Aashita Mehra! Studying for exams happened in the last week of each semester where tension was immense and notes were few and the most frequented place was a xerox shop for study material rather than a college library! 3 Years, 6 Semesters, 1 Festival, 2 industrial visits...few very close friends and a lifetime of memories!!!!! :)


Voila! Amongst my most recent collections I spot a rainbow coloured box. Although the colourful box reveals its personality and memories from the cover itself, I still wonder whats in store! And there are indeed surprises galore! Its my one year in Cardiff that is quietly stored away...some pictures and some glimpses that I scan through almost every other day! A year full of independence, travel, studies, hostel life, fantastic friends, scenic locations (River Taff) and international education. A year which I can describe as the closest I could come to childhood. Although I had responsibilities of looking after my room, my stuff, my bills, my studies and my food...it was still a very carefree life with so much to look forward to and learn each day. Imagine having an Outlook calender of an entire year in front of you to plan the way you want it and imagine balancing it among studies, enjoyment and independence! Being your own agenda manager and imbibing the experiences from a melting pot of cultures! Too much to recount...nostalgia unlimited!

Returning from Cardiff and coming back to the 'life that was' I guess was the hardest thing to do. And the last 2.5 years have been the toughest ever. That is mainly because I am yet to find a box to fill in the time which I am sometimes seriously considering erasing! Sometimes I think I am looking for a duster to clean the slate?!! I am existing yes...but not living!

I think about so many lessons that my heart and mind had to learn the hard way, so many instances and associations that could have been avoided fetching less hurt. Friends who were so geographically apart or emotionally apart added to the 'empty feeling'. Often it confuses me why browsing through the phonebook of my cell phone does not yield even a single person whom I can easily call and talk to!? Lonliness pangs?? Maybe. Dunno. I guess its normal to have a vague and ambigous picture about your future - the so called QUARTER LIFE CRISIS that most of us embrace at these times. I am glad about the professional competence that I have gathered in a short span and could not have been happier about the professional stability that I have received in recent times! Thank you God for making that aspect of my life so absolutely rocking! :)

Dear God, as I get ready to 'cross the bridge' to the 'wrong side of 20's'... I have more things to be thankful about than to crib about. A rocking career, the most supportive family ever, a little bunch of very loving friends, a vibrant office environment and a room full of memory boxes! And most importantly a consolation that there is still a LOT of room for new memories to be formed, for the happy & difficult experiences to be embedded in the depths of mind. A very clean slate...I am ready to take on the FORMIDABLE 25....HEAD ON!!!!!!! Bring it on dear God...I am very curious and excited to see what LIFE HAS IN STORE...! :)

PS - Dear God...please bless all my loved ones for sticking by me and helping me find the very 'reason to be'!!! :)

Phir Wohi Shaam...

And to think I had lost my trail of thought and the will to write! Well here I am...back and hopefully wid a bang! I guess I was suffering from a critical case of 'writer's block' where mind wanted to write but heart did not have words. Sometimes there is so much happening and so much to deal with, that expression in its purest form becomes difficult. I just did not know what to pen down as I had much bitterness and anger seething inside me then. Mom was partly responsible to encourage me to write again and I guess I needed something as interesting as last evening to induce me to write!

After a super hectic day at work, I was dragged to a musical concert which celebrated Madan Mohan classics. Madan who? I said when I was first told about him. Pat came a reply from mom - one of the finest music directors of the black & white era. I am a fan of B&W classics so decided to give it a shot. If not anything else, the melodious evening would drift me into sleep which was evading me since a long time. Turns out - I was in for a surprise!

Madan Mohan was indeed a treasure island who unfortunately composed the HIT songs of FLOP movies and was given the misunderstood title of Ghazal King which confined him in a niche whereas he was much more than just that. Surprisingly the emotional artist and spectacular composer never received his due of recognition and prestige while he lived. He had the best talents of the industry like Lata Mangeshkar, Talat Mehmood, Mohd. Rafi, Kishore Kumar, Asha Bhosle, etc. singing timeless and ageless songs for him for his career span of more than a quarter of a century until his death in 1975.

For the conossieurs of old Hindi music the evening was a treat with resounding melodies from movies like Anadi, Mera Saaya, Heer Ranjha, Bawarchi, Haste Zakham, Adalat, Haqueeqat, etc. Interestingly, my post title is also based on one of his well known song - 'Phir Wohi Shaam...' dedicated to a memorable evening. And for the ones belonging to my generation, remember the tunes of SRK and Preity Zinta starrer Veer Zaara? True to its reputation - a forgettable movie with unforgettable songs! 30 years after his death, Madan Mohan lent his music to the movie which resulted in delightful compositions like - 'Tere liye...hum hain jiye...honton ko siye, Tere liye...,.hum hain jiye....har aansoo piye. Dil mein magar...Jalte rahe...Chahat ke diye...Tere liye...Tere liye...!' This was indeed a tribute to the man he was and the music he made!

The 3 hour concert was quite mesmerizing...well most of it was...there were some ghazals which I had never heard and was difficult to relate to them. But overall a very pleasant evening. The writer in me, almost always judges the song by its lyrics. I normally get very impressed with the words and the meaning that they convey. Rarely has music come to the fore and lyrics dissolved in the background the way it happened for me last evening. Its unusual and enticing to see how Madan Mohan ji has utilized different instruments to suit different moods of songs - sitar being his favourite, drums, flutes, pianos and side rhythms! An amateur like me was not even aware about the ornamental section of a song which was contributed by 20 different types of side rhythms! The tinkling of the glass, the stomping of the wood, the breeze in a boat or the jingle of the ghungroo were never so pronouced as they came alive in front of us in the form of splendid side rhythms of a well coordinated orchestra!

My personal favourite was a Madan Mohan song penned by Rajendra Singh from the 1958 movie Adalat sung by Mohd. Rafi and Asha Bhosle - 'Zameen se humein aasamaan par bithaa ke gira to na doge? Agar hum yeh poochein ke dil men basa ke bhula to na doge? ' The song displays insecurity and love as twin concepts and the lyrics are wonderfully interwoven and attired with soothing music. The song and its lyrics show strength and character because of the entralling music that supports it!

Anyway, to wind up the unusual evening, I would like to say that coming from a Javed Akhtar and A R Rehman generation, I totally adore the catchy soulful songs that they dish out whereas at the same time I chuckle at suicide bombers of the constipated 'uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu' genre! But its nice to be transported sometimes in the time that was - when life was simple, problems were fewer, time was abundant and feelings more vivid and deep. Songs of music directors like Madan Mohan provide a glimpse back into the stories of the GOLDEN ERA! Like a well wisher of the Madan Mohan family put it - ' Yaadon ke ujalo ka saath na chodo...Naa Jaane kis mod par Zindagi ki shaam ho jaye...Usi shaam ke andhere mein yaadon ke diye timtimate hue aasmaan ko roshan kar jaye...! ' :)