Blogging after a long time...

Blogging after a long time...I might have lost my touch....think I suffer from a writer's block...but still I wanna continue doing what I love doing...hence this effort! The skill might have tarnished over the months and a lot of unnecessary babble might ensue...but kindly pardon the first attempt at second innings! :)

Maa...probably the only sincere and loving reader of all my posts and writings since childhood (love her for that) has been asking me for my latest post since a really long time....but I always told her...there should be a burst of inspiration to write! After all what would I have written about my mundane daily life of work-office-lil entertainment-same issues? I mean...who likes to read the routine! So there was thing long hiatus where I waited for a change...and change I got...and how!

COMING UP NEXT...about my travel escapades to Bangalore & Mysore...one of the nicest trips in the longest time! :))
STAY TUNED....!!!

On the brink of a silver jubilee...

Have you ever tried compartmentalizing your thoughts in boxes? And then trying to recreate a thought room to store these boxes by clearing little space in the corners of your mind? I do that. My thought-box room consists of big boxes and tiny boxes...blue boxes and white boxes...crooked boxes and empty boxes...kicking boxes and silent boxes...and all those that make my thought boxes! Some are angrily kicking and raring to go, whereas others are neatly wrapped up in ribbons n bow, every box is a special thought with a tiny little story keenly sought! As I approach quarter of the century...and attempt a spring cleaning of my thought box room...I have mixed feelings!


So I open the box in the furthest corner of the room...one that has gathered dust over time...a time which stored my memories when I was a tiny little child. And out flow the thoughts with hops, skips and jumps - very colourful, vibrant and innocent! Every adult says that childhood is the best time of your life where there is so little worry and care, no responsibility, no heavy headed emotions to deal with. The day consisted of school, play, food and sleep! Now that I have left those days far behind, I cant help but feel nostalgic about the most carefree days till date. The days were characterised by love and tender care from mom, disciplining from dad, fights with a naughty brother, stories and studies with family and innumerable dinner table discussions with topics ranging from stock markets to school projects! At school - Being the shortest in class every year and hence always first in the assembly line for prayers, 3 wonderful old stone school buildings situated opposite the exotic Juhu Beach, April final exams, school samosa-chutney, reopening of school after a long summer vacation in June and jumping through puddles in the torrential monsoons! Growing up through 'baa baa black sheep...' and ' Uma Joshi ye ye ye...' and book cricket, kitty kitty coming, chip-chop, Name Place Animal Thing, jolly and watnot!!!!!! Going for long summer holidays to nana-nani's place in summers, reciting tables, listening to wonderful stories, elocution classes and the failed attempt made by mom to kindle a sportsperson in me by cultivating badminton, cycling, swimming, tennis, athletics, etc. and adopting almost nothing!


My eyes then fall on a 'black box'...the so called first hardship that life threw at me in Class X as I struggled hard to perform well and match up to hundreds of expectations, including my own! Unit Tests, prelims, test series and the like dominated this first uncertainity in life. And after having passed with 'flying colours' the big confusion about what to take up and become in life! A 15 year old being asked this question is intimadating. Because it is that phase when we need to fold up and keep aside the wishful thinking or far fetched dreams that changed faster than seasons in childhood. 'Oh I want to be an airhostess' 'Maybe a doctor?' ' I think I will do well as an astronaut!' Some of us pursued these high flying dreams but most of us encountered a stark reality, much different from fantasy!


My next target is the confused box. Most of us landed up in junior college and were suddenly bombarded with an unprotected environment, weirdoes, teenage blues, unconcerned faculty and laid back lifestyle. To think that I went religiously to college and classes from Mon-Sat like a nerd gives me an embarassing jitter! I was just too docile and nice then and a 'model student'...thankfully not a 'chamchi'! Those walks back home with two good friends...the stupid jokes we cracked...mindless of what the others think...the adrenalin rushes we got when crush no. 7 smiled in the canteen...such a bunch of dodos we were!!!!


Somehow the feelings attached with the box have continued into time...and the confusion has seeped in almost all thoughts! But anyway...it was still a happy confused phase where relations were few, duties even fewer and it was still not time to 'prove' yourself and calibre. It was a very 'Main Aisa Kyun Hoon' phase...where we were still groping to find reason for our existence and an angry energetic lot which rebelled against the hormones and changing environments in our own confused ways!


Just then, I realize that I am sitting on probably the largest box in the room - blue in colour and for a reason! It is the graduation box so neatly wrapped up with ribbons and balloons - all blue! Flash back to a time when 20 of us sat at a friend's (Kanu's) place and neatly cut and wrapped up items to go into huge blue bags for the rockstar event of our college festival Drishti called Business @ Campus! The entire room was filled with huge blue polythene bags and it was aptly termed as a 'blue room'. For me it was a room of work-in-progress where young minds came up with brilliant ideas for the festival and tonnes of projects. It was a place where we argued and brainstormed on what-ifs and fulfilled our ambitions by assuming a position on the top of the bed stead as CEO of a make believe marketing company - Kuttaya! (I do not remember why we came up with such a name...!). We had a unique bunch of teachers which added colour and joy to drab studies. It was fun bunking Kanodra Ma'am's Law lectures, laughing at stupid Sajid sir and whacky Venky Pony's double meaning jokes, listening to recitals and songs by Prof. Nilesh Zaveri, being called Xerox Institute of Management by Prof. Viju Navare and finding a very cool coordinator in Aashita Mehra! Studying for exams happened in the last week of each semester where tension was immense and notes were few and the most frequented place was a xerox shop for study material rather than a college library! 3 Years, 6 Semesters, 1 Festival, 2 industrial visits...few very close friends and a lifetime of memories!!!!! :)


Voila! Amongst my most recent collections I spot a rainbow coloured box. Although the colourful box reveals its personality and memories from the cover itself, I still wonder whats in store! And there are indeed surprises galore! Its my one year in Cardiff that is quietly stored away...some pictures and some glimpses that I scan through almost every other day! A year full of independence, travel, studies, hostel life, fantastic friends, scenic locations (River Taff) and international education. A year which I can describe as the closest I could come to childhood. Although I had responsibilities of looking after my room, my stuff, my bills, my studies and my food...it was still a very carefree life with so much to look forward to and learn each day. Imagine having an Outlook calender of an entire year in front of you to plan the way you want it and imagine balancing it among studies, enjoyment and independence! Being your own agenda manager and imbibing the experiences from a melting pot of cultures! Too much to recount...nostalgia unlimited!

Returning from Cardiff and coming back to the 'life that was' I guess was the hardest thing to do. And the last 2.5 years have been the toughest ever. That is mainly because I am yet to find a box to fill in the time which I am sometimes seriously considering erasing! Sometimes I think I am looking for a duster to clean the slate?!! I am existing yes...but not living!

I think about so many lessons that my heart and mind had to learn the hard way, so many instances and associations that could have been avoided fetching less hurt. Friends who were so geographically apart or emotionally apart added to the 'empty feeling'. Often it confuses me why browsing through the phonebook of my cell phone does not yield even a single person whom I can easily call and talk to!? Lonliness pangs?? Maybe. Dunno. I guess its normal to have a vague and ambigous picture about your future - the so called QUARTER LIFE CRISIS that most of us embrace at these times. I am glad about the professional competence that I have gathered in a short span and could not have been happier about the professional stability that I have received in recent times! Thank you God for making that aspect of my life so absolutely rocking! :)

Dear God, as I get ready to 'cross the bridge' to the 'wrong side of 20's'... I have more things to be thankful about than to crib about. A rocking career, the most supportive family ever, a little bunch of very loving friends, a vibrant office environment and a room full of memory boxes! And most importantly a consolation that there is still a LOT of room for new memories to be formed, for the happy & difficult experiences to be embedded in the depths of mind. A very clean slate...I am ready to take on the FORMIDABLE 25....HEAD ON!!!!!!! Bring it on dear God...I am very curious and excited to see what LIFE HAS IN STORE...! :)

PS - Dear God...please bless all my loved ones for sticking by me and helping me find the very 'reason to be'!!! :)

Phir Wohi Shaam...

And to think I had lost my trail of thought and the will to write! Well here I am...back and hopefully wid a bang! I guess I was suffering from a critical case of 'writer's block' where mind wanted to write but heart did not have words. Sometimes there is so much happening and so much to deal with, that expression in its purest form becomes difficult. I just did not know what to pen down as I had much bitterness and anger seething inside me then. Mom was partly responsible to encourage me to write again and I guess I needed something as interesting as last evening to induce me to write!

After a super hectic day at work, I was dragged to a musical concert which celebrated Madan Mohan classics. Madan who? I said when I was first told about him. Pat came a reply from mom - one of the finest music directors of the black & white era. I am a fan of B&W classics so decided to give it a shot. If not anything else, the melodious evening would drift me into sleep which was evading me since a long time. Turns out - I was in for a surprise!

Madan Mohan was indeed a treasure island who unfortunately composed the HIT songs of FLOP movies and was given the misunderstood title of Ghazal King which confined him in a niche whereas he was much more than just that. Surprisingly the emotional artist and spectacular composer never received his due of recognition and prestige while he lived. He had the best talents of the industry like Lata Mangeshkar, Talat Mehmood, Mohd. Rafi, Kishore Kumar, Asha Bhosle, etc. singing timeless and ageless songs for him for his career span of more than a quarter of a century until his death in 1975.

For the conossieurs of old Hindi music the evening was a treat with resounding melodies from movies like Anadi, Mera Saaya, Heer Ranjha, Bawarchi, Haste Zakham, Adalat, Haqueeqat, etc. Interestingly, my post title is also based on one of his well known song - 'Phir Wohi Shaam...' dedicated to a memorable evening. And for the ones belonging to my generation, remember the tunes of SRK and Preity Zinta starrer Veer Zaara? True to its reputation - a forgettable movie with unforgettable songs! 30 years after his death, Madan Mohan lent his music to the movie which resulted in delightful compositions like - 'Tere liye...hum hain jiye...honton ko siye, Tere liye...,.hum hain jiye....har aansoo piye. Dil mein magar...Jalte rahe...Chahat ke diye...Tere liye...Tere liye...!' This was indeed a tribute to the man he was and the music he made!

The 3 hour concert was quite mesmerizing...well most of it was...there were some ghazals which I had never heard and was difficult to relate to them. But overall a very pleasant evening. The writer in me, almost always judges the song by its lyrics. I normally get very impressed with the words and the meaning that they convey. Rarely has music come to the fore and lyrics dissolved in the background the way it happened for me last evening. Its unusual and enticing to see how Madan Mohan ji has utilized different instruments to suit different moods of songs - sitar being his favourite, drums, flutes, pianos and side rhythms! An amateur like me was not even aware about the ornamental section of a song which was contributed by 20 different types of side rhythms! The tinkling of the glass, the stomping of the wood, the breeze in a boat or the jingle of the ghungroo were never so pronouced as they came alive in front of us in the form of splendid side rhythms of a well coordinated orchestra!

My personal favourite was a Madan Mohan song penned by Rajendra Singh from the 1958 movie Adalat sung by Mohd. Rafi and Asha Bhosle - 'Zameen se humein aasamaan par bithaa ke gira to na doge? Agar hum yeh poochein ke dil men basa ke bhula to na doge? ' The song displays insecurity and love as twin concepts and the lyrics are wonderfully interwoven and attired with soothing music. The song and its lyrics show strength and character because of the entralling music that supports it!

Anyway, to wind up the unusual evening, I would like to say that coming from a Javed Akhtar and A R Rehman generation, I totally adore the catchy soulful songs that they dish out whereas at the same time I chuckle at suicide bombers of the constipated 'uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu' genre! But its nice to be transported sometimes in the time that was - when life was simple, problems were fewer, time was abundant and feelings more vivid and deep. Songs of music directors like Madan Mohan provide a glimpse back into the stories of the GOLDEN ERA! Like a well wisher of the Madan Mohan family put it - ' Yaadon ke ujalo ka saath na chodo...Naa Jaane kis mod par Zindagi ki shaam ho jaye...Usi shaam ke andhere mein yaadon ke diye timtimate hue aasmaan ko roshan kar jaye...! ' :)

Music & Lyrics

Whenever I am confused, lonely, undecided and lost, I listen to this song (courtesy: Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant starrer Music & Lyrics). My current state of mind, hums this song each day as I go on mechanically with my daily chores and hectic work schedule. Although I steal a few moments of happiness and rest through mini holidays, songs like this are food for my soul. This song weaves in hopes, fears, love, lonliness and togetherness so beautifully and simply, that I cannot help but sink into these music & lyrics every now & then. Just thought of penning it here, to make it a forever portion of my writing world.

I've been living with a shadow overhead,

I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,

I've been lonely for so long,

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on!

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,

Just in case I ever need them again someday,

I've been setting aside time,

To clear a little space in the corners of my mind!

All I wanna do is find a way back into love.

I can't make it through without a way back into love.

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,

I've been searching but I just don't see the signs,

I know that it's out there,

There's got to be something from my soul somewhere!

I've been looking for someone to she'd some light,

Not somebody just to get me through the night,

I could use some direction,

And I'm open to your suggestions.

All I wanna do is find a way back into love.

I can't make it through without a way back into love.

And if I open my heart again,

I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end!

There are moments when I don't know if it's real

Or if anybody feels the way I feel

I need inspiration

Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love,

I can't make it through without a way back into love,

And if I open my heart to you,

I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,

And if you help me to start again,

You know that I'll be there for you in the end!

Searching for Happiness...

Often life oscillates between what could have been and what will be…in the midst of which I forget what is! I think that happens to most of us – always ruefully or fondly remembering the past and weaving nascent dreams for future! What easily goes for a toss then is the PRESENT – the time that is…the time we are living in…NOW!

And funnily, every time we read it, or hear someone saying it or even think of it ourselves, it makes perfect sense that we should get back to making the most of what we have now, rather than cribbing about any other phase of life. But it rarely ever happens. Even if it does happen, it is just momentary.

Over time, through fleeting incidents that life offers and chance meeting with interesting people, I have grown to realize that unlike what I thought earlier – happiness and sadness are nothing but a state of mind over which we have full control and command. It is how we choose, and how we live, that determines our reactions to different situations in our life and the decisions that we make and/or are forced to make!

When I open up my mind and heart there is so much more clarity in what I observe in the world outside. There is a 65 year old widow sitting in the confines of her tiny little house in a small town in Gujarat living amidst ill-health, leaky roofs in monsoons, limited expenses and without partner - none of which act as deterrents and her faith in Almighty makes her believe that she is the ‘happiest’ a person can be with no hardships at all. And there is a 100 year old man who cannot move around on his own but still holds the spirit which can put youngsters to shame and has interesting anecdotes to share about his doting family and simple life!

These were just few very personal insights. But there are many more, which each of us encounter in our day to day life but conveniently ignore. There I was nursing a hurt and feeling as if a part of me went missing. And then one day I decided to wake up from my selfish slumber and open my eyes to view people around. There were so many things that I just took for granted which were mere starry eyed luxuries in other people’s lives. It reminds me of how Will Smith's character went through the painful struggle against poverty and ill-luck to finally make it to the top and experience the sweet taste of success in the movie 'The Pursuit of Happyness'. There are so many people like him who right from birth belong to noone and carve their own way as they grow up and embrace this struggle. They have never seen the faces of parents or loved ones who guide them and inspire them to reach new heights and live a meaningful life. Either they just figure it all out or they get lost in the ambiguity of the world that braces million others.

And then there are people who are not blessed with an active mind but they want to live a ‘normal life’. We come across people with unusual talents but being zeroed to ordinary just because they have an essential part of their physical bodies missing. Imagine waking up one morning and not being able to see the sunrise. Imagine not being able to hear the symphonies of music. Imagine not being able to touch or feel or get pleasure from the little things in life. Hard to imagine? Most definitely. Taken for granted? Maybe! Imagine being the single bread earner and working to your fullest capacity to fulfill your dream of a home, secure future for your family and a comfortable lifestyle and waking up crippled one morning. Scary to imagine? Hell yeah…!

I reflect back and evaluate – I have a wonderfully supportive family who has stuck by me through thick and thin, a well paying job, a good career path, am blessed with few great friends, perfect senses and healthy body, comfortable lifestyle and an active mind that dreams colorfully. And here I am losing myself over a few things that did not culminate pleasantly. When did they occupy so much importance in my life that I forgot to count my blessings? Why did I begin imagining an incomplete existence without those few things which had still not taken any shape and form? Did I not just define my happiness around some unpleasant and unsure factors? I guess I did… and that’s where I need to step in for damage control.

They say ‘Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.’ I am not saying it is easy to forget and move on. But atleast I have to make an effort of being thankful for so many things that God has given me – some even without asking, rather than blaming him for what he did not give me. Yes I need to change and understand God’s connotation behind this message. A journey has to begin – a journey of soul searching and finding eternal happiness. A journey of not only working hard towards a goal, but also enjoying the struggle to achieve it. A journey of interacting with people and being sensitive towards them but not losing myself in the bargain. Never again. This is a challenging journey but it should not be too hard. The least I can begin with is appreciating the miracle called life and the gift called nature. It is never too late. I remember a striking line from a poem, Leisure that we had when in school –

‘What is this life so full of care, we have no time to stand and stare…’

Walking the path...

There is a new path waiting for you to explore
You begin walking with a fresh vigour to endure
There is barely a chance to feel weird and blue
Coz everything around is colorful bright and new

There is spring in the step and zeal in the walk
There is hope in the head and courage in the talk!
You have it in you to give what it takes
You can go all the way to win all the stakes!!!

Then bam go the good times and you reach a dead-end
You wonder WHY God on this avenue had you send?
You look around for clues, options and bail outs
You find none of this coz all around is blackouts!!

Swoosh go the trees and swish go the unknown waters
You know not how to swim; the thought gives you jitters..!
In this eerie deadly silence, for rescue your ears are pinned…
Your existence is exposed like a mere candle in the wind!

Then out come your anger and the agony of the pain
You wonder upon wonder how from suffering you would refrain.
The questions come to the fore as you imagine God’s errand
If HE knew there is no answer why HE would send you on a dead-end?

Then unknowingly He tiptoes into your world and says
‘My dear child, there is a reason for life’s uncertain ways
I want you to earn and learn from every new experience
In life at different stages I throw you these challenges for reasons…

Fret not coz you did not get what you desired the easy way
In life change is the only constant factor I always say
Do not lose courage and fight the situation with power
With every punch and pounce I promise you will go higher!’

You fight back your tears and picture is crystal clear now
You know now that there is something else destined for you somehow
Dead end is not like quick sand and you can find a way out
Just remember the REVERSE gear that life offers when in doubt!

There is a new path waiting for you to explore
You begin walking with a fresh vigour to endure
There is barely a chance to feel weird and blue
Coz everything around is colorful bright and new

There is spring in the step and zeal in the walk
There is hope in the head and courage in the talk!
You have it in you to give what it takes
You can go all the way to win all the stakes!!!