In conversation with the Almighty...!

So many times in life before, I tried and tried to do things my way (hey, hey, hey)...I thought that I was smart enough...I thought I knew enough...I didn't realize the problem was, the struggle was between my will and Yours...So I'm giving up my will for Yours, I'm totally depending on You (please come through).... - Tye, Tribbet & G.A.

These are some random lines I came across recently, while casually browsing the net. And these lines, strangely dominate my current thought process – profoundly crazy at times and eerily intimidating otherwise!

For someone from my generation – I have my independent set of do’s and don’ts which may or may not agree with the mould called SOCIETY always! There are many ambitious dreams I harbor and many beautiful (materialistic and otherwise) things I desire. But it is not always that I obtain all of them. Some of the wishes are difficult, some impossible and some outrageously weird! God rations his ‘tathastu’ when I put my wishes in front of him and pretty much controls my sail of life with HIS Will, which is sometimes in agreement and sometimes against MINE. And I keep having my fights with Him, I feel I am smarter, cooler and brighter to make these decisions and whoosh go the pack of cards that I dreamt for myself.

I am quite sure that each of us, at some juncture in this topsy turvy journey of life comes across a situation where we ask a series of random daunting questions – Why me God? What is in this for me? Why did you let it happen to me? Did I not believe in your enough? Do you not want me to be happy? Why can I not get what I really want? Why do you not LISTEN to me? More often then not, these questions are met with an unsettling silence.

When in such a situation, often people around us try to console by saying things like ‘You do not know the plight of the world and there are people who are suffering much more than you. You should be happy with what you have. There must be some good in you not getting what you really wanted….’ It can go on and on. But somehow, try as I may, I cannot get myself to think about the less privileged when faced with this situation. I mean due to respect to a lot of people in the world, who are suffering a lot, it is very natural for me to feel that my pain is unique and unparalleled with the rest and hence should not be compared! It is very difficult to compare my needs and wants with that of a street rag picker for the simple reason that we belong to different stages of hierarchy in Maslow’s Needs Pyramid – her concern is shelter, security and food, whereas mine is social acceptance, status and love. I am quite sure, that when her physiological and security needs are fulfilled, she would also move on to wanting love and esteem. It is true that when you always end up wanting something more or something better, when you get what you first wanted; until you feel self actualized and then you want nothing at all.

I have, in this life, only met one such person – a person very close to my heart and a person whom I am privileged to call my Nanaji (maternal grandfather). He was a man with a league of his own, with an eye for perfection and a heart of gold. It was from him, that I imbibed unflinching strength and courage to brace the villains that life threw at me at various stages– academics, friendships, relationships, health and the corporate world. For a man, who was terminally ill and could see his fast approaching death, he had an unfailing spirit and an amazing faith in God. He had dedicated all his remaining moments to bhakti and he did it with such charm and grace! He always welcomed every moment with a smile on his face saying it’s a gift from God. Whenever I went to him with a morose face and lost hope he recharged me with positive energy saying 'God has something GREAT in store for you and hence he did not give you the GOOD. Just keep praying and thanking Him for what he has given you.' I never used to understand that, but still followed his faith, believed in his belief and almost always something GREAT ended up coming to me and a lost opportunity came back with much more vigour and with much more to offer! Death is a dreadful thing, and especially when you know its on the threshold, welcoming it with open arms and not making any qualms about it is a trait which Nanaji exhibited and left us speechless. It was almost like a halo around his serene soul that I saw, when I met him last.

You left me too early Nanaji. There was so much more that I had to learn from you…

As almost every young person of my age undergoing the so called Quarter Life Crisis – I have had my share of crests and troughs and the journey has by no means been smooth. And like my elders would say – I am yet to embrace the real struggle called LIFE. But I would say that life after this is pretty much based on the choices you make NOW. Hence the NOW decides the THEN. So many questions zoom past in the head that collecting and collating them would take another era for sure. Is this the best career for me? Will I be able to support the rest of my life, based on this? What is it that I really want to do? Am I caught in the wrong job? Is the job taking a lot out of me? Is the struggle needed? Do I feel empty inside? Why can I not be with the person I love? Am I with the right partner? How do I find the best partner, who is compatible with my lifestyle, my dreams and my very existence? How on earth would I do that in a matter of days? Mind or Heart? Where do I see myself 20 years from now? 5 years from now? A few months from now?

These are just few of the questions that can really bum a person out. I would say that the need of the hour is CLARITY but all that we think ultimately amounts to AMBIGUITY. No amount of pondering can help, if nothing, it can screw things up even more. The only thing that really gets me peace of mind is not a parent or friend but not surprisingly it is GOD. And that is what I have been doing a lot lately – praying! I do not know whether it will yield me my answers – but it definitely silences the tornado inside me.

Does God listen, you say? Well, I would like to put it this way. God DOES listen but he does selective listening. A proof? Well last week, I was really pressed with deadlines at work and the mad boss and the usual mess. To exit the gas chamber, the only way out was a sick leave and I prayed earnestly to God that I fall sick to escape. Turns out that He did listen. Exactly 1 week later, I fell sick – very sick – viral, cold, fever and infection. So while the world outside was enjoying the fireworks and mithai of Diwali, I was coughing away to glory. I got my break from work during the office Diwali Holidays and instead of enjoying the festive season, I spent a greater part of 2 days in bed! Oh man…He does listen. It is just a test of how smart you are, since you do not know WHEN He listens! So my belief is, always ask for the right things – and He will listen :) Like a certain advertisement endorses - Try Karke Dekho! ;)